Miss Piggy's Tips

Beauty takes practice.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may become necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Your hair is your most important accessory. In a pinch, you could do without your shoes, your purse, your eyeshadow - but without your hair, in that important first impression you'd score a Bad Beauty Impact.

Never use yellow lipstick.

Never color your teeth.

Never powder your tongue.

Never put flowers in your nose.

Never braid your eyelashes.

Never put anything blue on your cheeks.

Never use anything that stinks, stings or stains.

Never use anything that makes you cry, sneeze, look old, or turn red and bumpy.

It's a good idea to apply an all-over facial pack once or twice a month, but I never, never use mud. (Frankly, it brings up unpleasant memories.) I recommend my own special facial mousse, a mixture of mocha cooking chocolate, icing sugar, eggs and cream (adjust the proportions to your own taste). The mousse should be beaten with a wooden spatula as if you were frosting a cake. If there's a little bit left over, it is quite all right to taste a teensy bit.

Beauty isn't being able to shop in fancy stores where you have to empty your wallet to buy something in a bottle the size of a gumdrop.

Having a dull hairstyle is like putting an olive on top of a chocolate sundae. It makes your whole appearance unappetizing.

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.

Having a dull hairstyle is like putting an olive on top of a chocolate sundae. It makes your whole appearance unappetizing.

You cannot have too many gowns any more than you can have too many invitations to parties to wear them.

Often the only view we have of ourselves is from a mirror or photograph. Due to defection, refaction, conflection and infliction, mirrors always make you look larger in the wrong places. (An important scientist at a big university in a famous place discovered this.) And cameras do lie, because of all kinds of strange optical things and complicated gizmos that break and give you the wrong shortstop or spoil the focus-pocus, and little hairs that get stuck inside and goo on the film.

Your hat size never changes.

For the thin look, buy clothes two sizes too large.

For the glamorous look, choose plain-looking dining companions.

Stand as far away as you can from your mirror and look at yourself through the wrong end of a pair of opera glasses. Do you stand out?

What is the use of being a fashion plate if all you are going to put on it is peas?

As moi says, “Designer, de better.”

Miss Piggy's Petite Coiffure Style-and-Smile Hair Conditioning Recipe:

2 teaspoon butter
1 teaspoon flour
1 cup milk
1 oz. powered sugar
1/8 cup sugar
3 egg yokes
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 egg whites

1. Heat the milk, sugar and chocolate together. Beat in the yokes, then whip the vanilla and egg whites. Combine all ingredients. Place in the oven on a low heat.

2. Go out straight away and have your hair done.

3. Come home. Remove the mixture from the oven. Cover lightly with whipped cream and eat.

Face Facts

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